I’m so much farther away from where I was but I also feel fine. I have troubl focussing and praying at night but this might have more to do with stress. It is interesting though. I’m hesitant to let certain things define me but happy to let others. For example my positive traits or skills don’t really define me (aside from the ongoing feeling of obligation to excell at certain tech), but I don’t mind being any aesthetic. Granted it doesn’t really feel like this is who I am, but rather this is what something inside me aspires to be and values. It’s a motivation to change perhaps. Or maybe a desire to invent myself.
Is there anything truly integral to my existence though? I mean what would it mean for something to be so deeply seated in a person they cannot change it. Is there anything of the form in me that I’m running away from? Or is there something so deeply seated in my I have to run towards it. Is there something that needs to be expressed that isn’t being.
Actually what is an identity? Is an identity who I am, or a perception of who I am, or who I want to be, or who I aspire to be? Is it anything at all? Is it who I am in the moment? Is it who I am perceived to be? Maybe all it’s just all the things I find in myself that provide me security and a sense of meaning. Maybe it’s all the things I express that reduce how much I value myself.
I don’t really know that sitting and thinking about what identity is will do much, or what I value that will do much. Whatever my identity is, I can place it in something else. What all this is about is changing the things that I express, whether I identify with them or not just changes how difficult letting go of something will be. Or possible even. If I don’t truly want to change my expression then that falls back to, how do I want to change. I’m not sure I even express anything particularly “trans” though
Maybe my therapist’s goal is to change the things I find security in so that I can change how much I desire something else.