My birthday is coming up. Last month was my one year trannaversary. I’ve accepted being trans for about that long, and I have been on hormones for 9 or so months. All badges of honor that mean little. Very little considering I still consider myself false.

I am so deeply convicted by my faith, which leads me to the conclusion that what I experience is a distortion of intended nature, and that healing is possible. Healing from being trans. That is to stop enjoying presenting and being feminine, and be able to enjoy and feel comfortable in masculinity. Masculinity being manliness and the state of being a man.

I could go on but maybe I’ll save it. Basically what I want most of all is for my friends to know and see me as a woman, and interact with that pretense. But, my friends are Catholic. I’m Catholic. I am in reparative therapy. I am desperate for a solution or an inkling of a solution that I can vibe with and not shoot down. So I open up to some people hoping they will walk with me or be receptive. None have. Most chalk it up to a lack of faith, and then forget or ignore it or are just ignorant of my experience. I’m not sure what kind of response to expect though. It’s just not something Catholics talk about in relation to themselves and immediate loved ones. It’s only ever in relation to distant persons, easily vilifiable and condemnable or ignorable. I digress

I want to tell my friends and be more open on my birthday. I’m not sure what to expect. But I feel like I need to tell someone. I’m not sure WHAT I expect. I don’t know what value telling people that verbally confirmed queermisia has. Maybe I crave drama, maybe I crave to be seen as I am even to a small extent. Even if that isn’t a woman, but an AMAB with deep seated confusion.